Tonight, I spoke with a friend who has a struggle that I share and that you share. Together, we struggle for freedom, for we are chained by shadows. These shadows are the desires and ambitions of our hearts. They are not realities, but rather, unquenched cravings for fulfillment that is founded on false hopes. They are the idols of our making.
My idol is success. To describe the feeling, I will turn to two quotes: one from Madonna, one from Chariots of Fire.
Madonna: My drive in life is from this horrible fear of being mediocre. And that’s always pushing me, pushing me. Because even though I’ve become Somebody, I still have to prove that I’m Somebody. My struggle has never ended and it probably never will.
Chariots of Fire: “Contentment! I’m twenty-four and I’ve never known it. I’m forever in pursuit and I don’t even know what it is I’m chasing. …I’ll raise my eyes and look down that corridor, four feet wide, with ten lonely seconds to justify my whole existence… but will I?”
I pulled both of these quotes from Tim Keller’s book, Counterfeit Gods. In it, he makes a bold statement that my experience confesses to be true: “More than other idols, personal success and achievement lead to a sense that we ourselves are god, that our security and value rest in our own wisdom, strength, and performance. To be the very best at what you do, to be at the top of the heap, means no one is like you. You are supreme.”
I’ve seen this in myself, without a doubt. I do not only want to have value for these things, but I want to have the power to save. I see the world in shambles, and sometimes I feel as if I can not trust God. When I stop trusting God, my understanding of my role in His redemptive plan spirals into a one-man quest to take control. “The world’s problems are in my hands, It’s my job, My task, Mine, Mine Alone, My Precious.”
This carnal urge results in my endless thirst for achievement that will not be satisfied with anything less than establishing peace on earth and goodwill among men. If I do not find my contentment now, I will never have it. Even if I succeeded in achieving more for the sake of the gospel and human rights than anyone in 100 years, I would not be content. Instead, I would mourn like Oskar Schindler at what I failed to do, what I failed to give.
Contentment is the anti-venom, and it comes through freedom offered only by the forgiveness of and submission to the Lordship of Jesus Christ. Then I see, God does love me, and He is well pleased with me, shortcomings and all. The love of God compels love for God, which leads to healing.
As my love for Jesus exceeds my love for my self, I begin looking for validation and fulfillment in His Success – His Lordship – rather than my own. I find joy in being the Nolan that God loves, rather than the false Nolan my idolatry longs for. I know that I am Somebody. When this happens, I am set free from the shadows I was chained to, and I awake in the dawn of contentment.
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